some mornings i sit at my computer long after the coffee has gone cold and i just can't seem to break away.
i know i should get up and do something but my brain is so engaged with images so wonderful and delightful that i can't remove myself from this room.
i imagine u r with me as i sit and swing on this front porch.
the soft, gentle breeze blows and we talk of things we would like to make, or do and what is new or help each other deal with some grief or sorrow. perhaps share dreams of travel. i say paris. u say greece.
that's what friends do. they listen and share and comfort and pretend everything is gonna be ok.
is happiness just a state of mind?
can u control your mood so deliberately? can u jump out of a bad mood into joy at any given moment? r u choosing to be angry or sad? is that even possible? is there a choice to be made? is it out of your hands?
i always let my emotions rule me and now at middle age i seem to feel less intensity. i still get angry or sad or feel happy but these moods seem like a watered down version of what they once were.
and yet, the thought of losing you makes my eyes water and tears spill down my cheeks before i can even stop them. i taste sadness on my tongue as surely as if i had just eaten from that birthday cake left out in the rain.
i don't want to lose you. i just started to get to know you.
u r complex.
u r difficult. sometimes. we both can be. but
u r so bitter and hurt deep down in your heart and yet someplace inside you that small child is reaching out for love. hello, little girl.
i would have a party under the moon with lanterns in the trees and sparklie twinkling lights if i could to celebrate u.
i would bake the most wonderful pies and have lovely cakes of cream flown down from boston, just for u.
we r so different, u and i. is it the years between us?
is it our life experiences that have molded us like clay, made hard by the fires of disappointment and given us worn, weathered textures like raku pottery sitting on the dusty shelf waiting for the next flower to temporarily live inside us. is that too poetic for u? would u rather just not discuss it?
i know it hurts.
i know it isn't easy or polite but we need to talk before u go. we need to get it all out and unburden our hearts. not about things of the past, that has all been said, but things of hope and desire so that i will remember u until that day that i too am gone.
how much time do u think we have? let's do this before u don't feel like it at all. can we sit and hold hands and wipe silent tears with tissues until our voices come back? the tight knot has been in my throat for weeks. u know the way it feels. like u can't swallow or that your heart may burst within any moment.
don't say i am dramatic.
usually i try to look at the bright and happy side.
lately there doesn't seem to be an up side. no words to make it all better. facing reality with a brave face. we've both had to do that more times than not, haven't we?
i know u r tired. i know u r afraid. i am trying to be strong for u but i can't stop crying and feeling this sadness inside me. i hide it well. i keep it locked up with all those other things i don't want to think about. the real life things. no unicorns or rainbows or afternoons at the park in there. i don't like that place. i want to make it disappear.
maybe that's why i don't want to leave the computer. images of every possible kind are here to console me, take me away, umbrellas and balloons soar into the sky.
over and again i save these sky photos with colorful, happy objects that float.
i can analyze myself, thank u and we both need help. we both know it.
there is no one else to share this with because they are all cactus, loving us from a distance is safer than too close. the balloons would be broken. just like our hearts u say. i agree. don't get too close. here, pin this name tag on your dress and don't forget your sweater. stay on the bus until u get far from here. don't look back. she made her choice and we have lived with the consequences all of our lives.
it will be ok. we r safe. no one can hear or judge or laugh or abandon us anymore. we have each other, i promise u that until the day i die, even if u go first, i will love u and remember u.
i will remember good things about u and forget the painful memories when we were young and didn't have a connection. wild hearts running from the damage done to our hearts. only running makes the pain stop long enough to take a breath. shaky uneven breaths. does that pain ever stop? that's life u said. it hurts most of the time. that's how u know u r alive.
yes, i will dance with u, until the music ends. let's make s'mores and giggle about boys and movies we love. lets share stories again, lets get blankets and make a fort, u grab the flashlight, i'll get the pillows. we'll pretend it's a tree house up in a magical tree filled with paper and silk lanterns all glowing bright.
why not? let's play! move the table, now we need a way to strike a tent- maybe some string and clothespins. that would work. this is fun, isn't it? we never did this before. we never played together in a pretend house with symbols of love everywhere but we can now. we can rewrite history and shun the reality and have a dream be real because this will be all that we have left. what we remember. its a choice, isn't it?
i see u across the room and imagine u are a flower fairy, risen early, washing your face in dew and drinking honeysuckle wine before putting on your wings. don't waste another moment- let's paint our toes and wear beautiful scarves on our heads while we still have time. i love u
really, u r. inside u somewhere is that girl with a ponytail and gingham dress. she wants to do it all right this time. thinking and choosing carefully instead of letting the first arms that hold her bind her and keep her from seeing clearly. always searching for love, faithful love. always getting rejected and abandoned. wait there's that past we said we wouldn't discuss. make it go away. can it? is it possible? can we pretend? please? try, just for me.
i could not write this in a letter. well, maybe i could. but it's so pretty here with these images borrowed from this miracle machine. it gives me joy, great joy, to be able to see these beautiful pictures and float away.
i wish we could find these places and go there together and share tea cakes and warm freshly baked bread. we could talk of Alice and Dorothy and Marilyn and what really happened to them. we could spend hours window shopping in LA or hiking in the Grand Canyon. we could go to France and Greece and fall in love with those countrysides and make memories to last a lifetime.
we could wear out the soles of our shoes dancing under moonbeams and chasing falling stars. we could spend time together knowing that in the end we tried. we gave. we listened. we loved. we were sisters.
wouldn't it be nice. it would wouldn't it? to sneak away and have a retreat with just us and our daydreams? we could knit, finally, because i learned how. maybe we could just relax and with a deep sigh, let it all go. have a fresh start at the end. living life backwards, that's how i roll. never realizing how important forgiveness and acceptance really is until it is too late. what a shame.
why does it take till u r middle aged to see things so clearly? does it require the absence of hormones to finally be able to put it all into perspective? is that why older people can be so blunt and ruthless- they don't have time to sugar coat anything? there is so much i want to do in my life- i assume i will have the time. if i heard the word terminal i would be angry at me too for being so self assured and loose with my days. please don't be angry with me. or with anyone because u r sick. i didn't do it to u and who knows, i might be next. look inside and see the anger and pull it out, use the cherry pitter if you have to and then burn it. ashes don't hurt.
no one knows how u feel, u r right. i can't imagine. i grieve. i try not to worry but i do. i think about u all the time. when we talk i am not even sure u can hear me, the cell phone crackles the distance is too great. it's hard not to see u. i imagine u in your home, that cat is so scared of everything.
i found this picture of a cat wearing a fruit helmet.
do u think that's funny?
i wanted to make u laugh. don't be sad, lets not dwell. do u know i love u? can u feel it? am i a cactus too? i really hate these cat pictures and will probably get a million of them now, clogging my email, making me mad. such a silly thing isn't it? to be mad at what? not getting your way? a mistake someone else made? why r u so angry about these small things that should be given up and not worried about. stop seeking vengeance. let it go. did that make u mad? why? nobody cares. this is here for u and u alone but even though everyone may see it they won't know it's written to u. they are my friends anyway and love me. therefore they must love u too. open your heart to the love, and let it fill u up with a good and joyful light. be free. let it all go.
really. i do. fill in the blank. what do u love me more than? godiva chocolates? a good book? a new pair of shoes? it doesn't matter. my self esteem is all wrapped up in showing u how much i love u. being needed makes me feel loved. knowing u are honest with me makes me feel loved. the small things. thank u for all the thank u cards. they r nice. u love me. u gave me your time. that's all i ever wanted.
and we knew each other in it. even if from a distance.
i feel better now.
thank u for reading this
i love u, my ______.
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