"You're never too old to have a happy childhood." Anonymous
I was one of those kids who adults called "wise" or an "old soul". "She's so grown up!" they'd coo. My peers had other ideas. They thought I was bossy. High and mighty. Not a lot of fun.
Each one of those observations was true, in their way. I spent my first 18 years of so trying desperately hard to be adult-like. Apparently I succeeded in many ways. I failed in many as well. But there's one thing I can tell you I did not do: I did not spend my childhood being a child. I didn't interact like one, I didn't look like one (I was tall and morbidly obese), I didn't talk like one, I didn't play like one.
College was a wierd time in it's own right. I spent much of my time there desperately and awkwardly attempting to slough off my grouchy-granny suit and "act my age". It was messy, let me tell you.
Marriage came along and although it was gradually less chaotic, I still tried to be the young woman I thought I was "supposed" to be. (Who makes up these rules anyway, I'd like to know?!) I read the expert books, joined the appropriate guilds and shopped in the right stores. Ick. How could something so "right" feel so wrong? I figured it was becuase I was so new to it. Surely the shortcoming was in me! Stepford, here I come!!!
But then some things happened. I had some kids. I moved a few times. I lost a lot of weight. And I started asking myself some similar questions to those in my first Calamitous post. When I was little and imagined myself as a grownup, what did I hope I would be like? How did I think I would dress? I would be feminine, retro and eccentric. I'd design and wear my own clothes. I'd be whimsical. No! I can't do that! People will laugh at me! What kind of home did I think I'd live in? Something magical and humorous, with growing things and lots of kids and imaginative adventures every day. Ack! But what would the neighbors think if we all charged around the backyard in costumes playing pirates or dragons? What kinds of people would I surround myself with? "Earth muffins", fairy godmothers, intuitive guides, passionate artists, deeply devoted hippies, world travelers. Good gracious. Where am I going to find a circus like that? And why would they want anything to do with me?
An interesting thing happened. Once you start honestly giving "mini you" a chance to speak up, your heart opens a little tiny door just a crack. On the door is a teeny tiny sign with one word scrawled upon it.. POSSIBILITIES.
After a while, you get comfortable with the idea of possibilities. You stick a toe in here or there (maybe I could try wearing that dress today just around the house)... You tuck your nose into the crack in the door to peek and see what's inside (who says I can't paint this wall purple?) ... And before you know it, possibilities have changed into PROBABILITIES.
Now we're getting somewhere! So, there you have it. I am Benjamin Button. Each day, I feel more able to just be who I am. Which frankly feels like I'm getting younger and younger. Or at least I'm appreciating right now in a whole new way. I'm not going to try to make an impression on anyone by shocking them or bending myself into their expectations, but simply by being who I am. Sometimes, that means I look a lot like everybody else. Sometimes, it doesn't. Sometimes, that kind of honesty takes some chutzpah. But if I'm not me, who will be?
Of course, the moments of living authentically are reward enough in themselves, but every once in a while, I am blessed to see how my courage enlivens others. The first couple of times I went out with my handcrafted bird headband, I was frankly bracing myself for taunting by the general public. Instead, you wouldn't believe the joy it gave people! I even got a handful of requests to know where other women could get their own!
Similarly, when I'm feeling extra peppy and colorful, I'll often wear one of my outfits designed with Salt Light City performances in mind. It's pretty cool to see little girls pointing me out delightedly to their friends or dragging their moms and grandmas across the grocery store to greet me. They're not laughing at me. If they're laughing, so am I! They're feeling inspired. cheered. Released into a whole new world of possibility for who they might be when they grow up! That is a gift I am deeply honored to bestow.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our
light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who
am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are
you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small
does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant
to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our
presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson
So... Who did you see in your mind's eye when, as a child, you imagined yourself all grown-up? Who inspires you to fearlessly be?