Hello there, or should I say (with best Dracula accent) Gooood Evening!
Welcome to Calamity Kim where I sew and conjure up wickedly delightful projects, bewitching you with magical tales of fantasy and faerie lore, spilling secrets and glitter all about the stitching room .
Step into my parlor while I make us some frog's breath tea. It is my own special blend of gunpowder black tea leaves with a touch of foxglove and a splash of belladonna (for drama and spin).
I am so glad that Vanessa of Fanciful Twist decided to have a Halloween Howl because I have been decorating and all the invitations went out to my special friends by raven's wing just in time for them to help me celebrate.
I would like to entertain you with a story while we wait for the guests to arrive.
It all began several years ago, on a bleak and foggy afternoon.
I was out back, by the lake, gathering ingredients for some Worm Wort Stew and as I bent to pick another mushroom I heard a small voice ask if there were any toads left or if I had caught them all?
Not aware that anyone was near, I turned around and saw a strange little girl with very pale skin, large green eyes and hair as black as the keyboard I am typing on!
"Who wants to know?" I asked, my heart suddenly pounding in my chest.
"I am Etheldreada Bitterheart" she said, with a curtsy."But you may call me Betty because it isn't such a mouthful."
"Well, Betty, there are hundreds of toads and frogs left in this lake and I will help you catch some if you need help."
She smiled shyly and said "Thank you, I would be delighted to have your help."
We became very good friends after that and I learned that she was just a young witch, only 113 and still had another 300 years before she would be close to my age in witch years.
I liked her enthusiasm for sewing and making things (except for the time she accidentally transformed my pet squirrel, Earl into a one eyed troll, but she finally managed to reverse the spell- thank heaven!) and have been giving her lessons on my sewing machine whenever I can.
She lives just down the road, in a house nearly hidden with vines and overgrown trees and rambling roses and comes to visit nearly every day.
One day,(soon after we had upgraded to a large flat screen tv), she came over while I was sewing and watching Project Witch Runway. (Betty didn't know what to think about this because we had never watched tv together! I was always busy sewing or cooking or making poultices and herbal remedies that I sell down by the main road in a small lean to, sort of stand, I built from our old fence wood. I sprinkle a bit of faerie dust in sometimes just so that folks will be pleased with their purchase and not forget to come visit me the week of the full moon when I set up shop there.)
After the show was over she began asking me so many questions that I had to tell her to slow down and start again.
I explained how this wizard named Tim Ghoul was a big shot at the Parson's School of Design and Fashion Magic and Heidi Gloom was a famous model and hostess of the show. She wanted to know how to be on the show and I said everyone has to audition. I said that most of the contestants on the show have a degree or experience in Fashion Design.
She immediately dragged me by the hand into my sewing room and begged me to help her create something that would be suitable for her own fashion line, because she knew now that she wanted to be a designer when she grew up and create fabulous gowns and couture for all the witches who must be sick and tired of black and gray like she was.
I laughed and said "OK, but a haunted house isn't built in a day, you know!"
She grinned and said: "I know, that's why we need to start immediately, if I am ever to be ready to get to Fashion Week myself!
"Would you care for some more tea, my dear?"
"Here have a cupcake, you look famished!"
So Etheldreada began spending lots of time with me in my stitching room and we poured over books and drafted patterns and she began to create some wonderfully wicked and stylish new clothes.
I was so proud of her because she had talent and a sweet nature and was going to be a great big superstar designer to the Witches and Warlocks with money and power- the movers and shakers- the Powers that Be who dictate the Trends of Fashion by virtue of their own wardrobe decisions.
She was going to make it work!
I knew that she was ready to fly to NY and try out the day I saw her standing, tiptoes on her broom about 20 feet up off the ground and using a large pair of scissors, to flawlessly cut an apron out of the blue sky.
She brought it in and sewed pockets of roses and appliqued ravens and skulls in such a cheerful and delightful manner that I knew she had finally come into her own and had a chance at winning not only Project Witch Runway but anything else she wished for.
Her dreams could be realities if she worked hard and kept her wits about her!
So, Betty will be here shortly and please don't tell her all that I have shared because she is very humble and doesn't like it when I brag and make a fuss about her mad sewing skillz.
"Oh, the doorbell rang! They must be arriving!
Come along, I want you to meet my friends!
This is Gertrude Raventhorn, and her mutant veggie friends."
They can be so silly sometimes!
Please don't encourage them!
This is Nicol Razorbite and she is one I'd be careful around,
if you know what I mean.
Some of these witches can get a little nasty and before you know it you're spitting cherry pits and picking lice from your toes!
Just smile and Be nice and stick with me- I'll protect you!
I know who has pockets full of treats and
who has nothing but tricks up their sleeve!
These little rag dolls made by my saucy friend Amanda Buttonbasket are already dead by some unfortunate accident- just ask, they'd love to tell the tale while they take your money with a slow hand of gin rummy. If they offer you any absinthe please decline or you might share their fate!
Oh, and watch out for the rats, we've been having a bit of a problem lately!
and snakes too!
It can get pretty scary around here during October, especially if
there is a party and the movie monsters show up!
I can't keep the wolfman from chasing half my guests!
Keep an eye out for Dracula! I am warning you!
"I know that you must be frightened, here have another cup of tea, it will warm you up, why, your hands are cold as ice!"
Here why don't you wrap up in this quilt.
Just ignore the creature from the lake out back-
he's already had too many black zombies!
That dreadful mummy is making a mess and I just dusted!
You never can get those mummies to behave!
"Would you care for an appetizer? You look a bit thin and these spiders are so plump and juicy!"
"No, the room isn't spinning!
Are you all right?
Perhaps you'd better sit down."
Say hello to Jack, he is my dearest friend!
But please ignore Oogie Boogie!!!
I don't know what he's doing here!
Trying to find more bugs, no doubt!
Would you like a cupcake?
They are quiet delicious!
I made them myself!
Chocolate covered Crickets and bat wings give it a little crunch and keeps them chewy!
Betty is finally here- she'll pour you more tea.
All the witches are gathered round and soon midnight will be upon us.
They have their magic brooms to ride and pointy shoes in which to dance. Don't stare too long or you'll be in a trance!
Thank you for coming and I hope you don't mind staying a while longer.
I think the tea is doing it's worst and soon your pain will be over!
Broom Zelda is laughing quite loud because you just don't understand, she is holding the antidote in her hand!
The gnomes are waiting, with impatient hunger gnawing.
Their stomachs so empty since last they were fed, waiting till dark fills them with dread!
I try to be a good witch and most of the year I am.
Some things can't be helped or stopped once in motion and you my poor friend have drunk from my potion!
So the night will be over, soon for you!
Perhaps no one will have a clue what's happened to you!
Greta Goose is always nervous about this part of the spell.
When you start to feel sick and dizzy as hell.
The guests all laugh when my words start to rhyme.
Because they all know it's Halloween Time!
Vincent Vidalia has sharpened the knives, so through your hide, like butter, will glide.
Just close your eyes it will soon be finished.
You'll be in the cauldron bubbling and boiling over- then served with rice and spinach clover!
I am so glad that you have met all of my freakish fellows- stop shaking, now! You look like a booowl of jello!
On All Hallow's Eve even the mice get some candy, the witches dress up and the vampires look dandy!
All in all it was a great celebration, with plenty of appetizers and libations!
The first course is finished and the meal has begun, it's time to get cooking!
It's been lots of fun!
Now, hold still, my pretty, this won't hurt a bit!
With one swift cut I can skin your bone.
I promise to dry them,
and keep them for next year,
to decorate my home!
That's right,
lay back,
do be still.
The spell has all but taken your will.
The wolf is howling,
there's blood on the moon.
Bats are flying and death is in the room!
Don't be scared, you'll be just fine,
looking down from Heaven while we feast and dine!
mwahahahahahahahaahahahaaaaa!
cackle!
cackle!
crazy laughter from all....
Have fun with the next guest,
it's been a real treat!
Don't you know I was kidding?!
Get back on your feet!
You are all OK!
You're right as rain!
There was no spell- there will be no pain!
Hang on, while I answer the bell-
the pizza man is here
and we're all hungry as hell!
Thank you for stopping by and have a very Haunted Halloween!
Trick or Treat?
Blood & Stitches,
Calamity Kim
ps. stop by again soon-
I will have the pattern for Etheldreada Bitterheart
and her sewing machine
and wire cage with frog
available for purchase soon.
Scary, isn't it?