I started reading Blogs last summer.
When I first found them I was just amazed and I felt a little left out...I used the Internet for information, like an encyclopedia of everything.
Then after I started reading some Blogs, I started saving them to my favorites. I had 100 before I knew it! Soon I had to attempt my own. I did on Blogger- Not Yer Grannies Quilts and I couldn't even find it when I did a Google search! LOL! . So then I found typepad and I can easily comprehend and post because they do all the html for me.
Yesterday I sat and stared at the blank screen and wondered why am I even doing this?
I love to create and sew. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction and pleasure when I make something that turns out well. But I have never really been a writer. Just cute bear poems.
I never thought I was a competitive person until one time when I was a Store Manager at a Mall and had to make a sales quota every week. Boy did I work my ass off! I had highest sales in our district for 28 weeks in a row. Then a new store opened and they swept it away from my store! I never could regain and maintain that highest sales record! I was bummed!
Did it make me less of a person? No.
Was I really a loser? No.
So why do I feel like there might be a few Bloggerettes out there who are a little bit better than others?
It hasn't happened to me personally, yet, but a few of my Cyber Ya Ya's have had their comments deleted by some big names, the cheerleaders, if you will and they got hurt feelings.
I don't blame them, but first I have to ask if maybe it wasn't intentional..I just tried to comment on someones blog and couldn't because I wasn't signed in and when I tried it wouldn't let me use Calamity kim because someone else is using it...I bet that other someone is me..with the same email address...frustrating? You bet. I don't understand why it has to be so difficult to distinguish between humans and bots...
Is it Blade Runner time?
Is Phillip K Dick laughing his ass off in the great sci fi in the sky?
Some people retain comments until they read them and then approve them by posting.
I feel like this is my one spot in the world where I can express my true feelings about anything....but do I really?
I post about what I make and what I love and I don't want to sully my blog with anything ugly....the red wine stain on the fabric of my blog is when I "go personal" and discuss disappointments, sadness, craptastic family events...get the picture?
Is it too personal?
Is it like reading those trash papers standing in line at the grocery store?
Does it seem like there are a few less of them?
I never buy them but I have to admit I have glanced long enough to check out the latest on Brad & Angelina...Poor Jen...couldn't she have quit smoking and had a baby? Maybe Angelina just was more appealing because of her wild, dangerous side....mesmerizing him like a black widow spider...while Jen. Little Miss Perky Sunshine was a known, Angelina is definitely mysterious and elusive...
I think Jen is like a cheerleader.
Cute, great hair, the right clothes, perfect makeup, good grades.
Jolie is like the girls that smoked in the bathroom.
Dark, brooding, pouting, silent, dangerous with an air of sarcastic menace.
I always hung out in the bathroom with those girls.
Martha McAnear was the coolest.
She was blond, from a bottle and had the biggest hair. The higher the hair, the closer to God. Or so says my coffee cup.
She wore the tightest jeans and was always in a leather or jean jacket...covered with patches and embroidered with often slightly vulgar images. Nowadays those birds would be quite tame in comparison...She taught me to smoke Virginia Slims Menthol Lights...and I loved how my lipstick stained the filters...I felt grown up and sophisticated.
The cheerleaders didn't smoke.
If they came in when we were there they would flip their skirts as they quickly turned around and left. So cute.
I wasn't allowed to try out for cheer leading. My Dad said that they were just sluts and I'd "get a reputation". I think my birth mother- Norma Jean might have been a cheerleader and sucked him into her evil web and then left him a bitter husk with 3 children to raise when she moved on to fresher prey....
Now I am reminded of those same feelings that I had in High School when the cliques were formed and you had to wear the right clothes and have the best do! For my generation it was Levi's never Wrangler and The Farrah Do or the Dorothy Hamill hair....
Am I still seeking peer approval as I post pictures of my work, that comes from my hands and heart and is a direct expression of who I am?
Why do I care if no one comments?
Maybe they can't...damn bots... I just removed the typekey thing- it wouldn't let me comment...cheese n rice!!!
Maybe this is just banal and boring and I'm not good enough....
maybe I'll just go back to the bathroom with the quiet, dangerous girls and plot something Heatherishly foul....
remember that movie?
Maybe I will just be content with my small circle of Cyber Ya Ya's and not care if the cheerleaders are all going out for sodas after the game.
They were here long before me... it takes time to get a following someone said...maybe I will just continue and see if I have hundreds of comments one day and if I did what would I say to them all?
Thank you, thank you, princess wave....
flowers strewn about my feet, walking on petals, toes stained red...
oh please! That's not why I'm doing this.
I am doing this because It's fun.
It's like an on line live journal that somehow gets swiped from your bedside table drawer and passed around school and all the kids either love it and write a note or they shrug and pass on it...
If no one reads your Blog, does it even exist?
Only in your own mind.
Am I worse because of it?
I am better.
Stronger. More Focused. I can ramble here and get my inner shit together and then know what I want. To Do. To Make. To Write. To Be.
Save the Craft Junkie Cyber Ya Ya. Save The World.