There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.
Anais Nin
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There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
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A leaf fluttered in through the window this morning, as if supported by the rays of the sun, a bird settled on the fire escape, joy in the task of coffee, joy accompanied me as I walked.
Anais Nin
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Why is it so hard for me to make a decision?
I have to choose all three quotes because one just isn't enough.
They all encompass how I feel.
My Dad called last night with good news about my Mom's surgery.
A sigh of relief escaped my weary heart.
It is always after the crisis that I relax and then realize just how worried or upset I had been. Holding my breath.
I am not ready yet for more loss. I tried to explain it to my brother, when I called to tell him the news. He said what difference does it make? If you are ready or not?
I have this imaginary room where it is all white.
White bench.
White angel sitting next to me with wings folded around me as if I were a baby bird to be protected.
I can handle anything in that white room. I have the strength I need to stand up and hold my head up high and walk out the door.
But only after a space of time spent curled to the softly beating heart of the angel.
Only after measuring out my hurt like so much fabric to be cut by the yard.
The pain from losing a parent is more fabric than I need at this particular time.
When the time comes and the decision is out of my hands anyway, I will accept the loss and cut up the pain in tiny, easy to swallow pieces and take them in, washed down with my tears and swallow the lump in the back of my throat that threatens to choke my life away as well.
I was so afraid that she would not make it through the surgery.
Nightmares every night.
Zombie days just waiting.
Trying to stay busy so that I wouldn't think about it.
I am so relieved.
My Dad didn't drink or eat anything all day.
His voice was craggy and hoarse.
I should have been there to take care of him.
I can only do what I can and he graciously said he was glad I didn't come, like I might have been killed on the highway.
My brother thinks quick is the best way to go.
Lightning.
Heart Attack.
Sudden car crash.
Instant.
Gone.
I say the shock of someone I love dying that quickly would just give me a heart attack.
He laughed.
He said I worry too much.
I only know what I feel and I don't feel ready to let go of either of them.
I love my Step-Mom. She is my true Mother. After 40 years she is the only Mom I've ever had. My real Mother never loved me or wanted me. She had other fish to fry.
I love my Dad and have come to terms with his strictness and discipline and can understand now, that he did the best that he could. He just wanted us to grow up and be good people. From his point of view he was probably terrified. Unable to ever bend he just snapped. The Army will do that to you. The 60's were a time of unrest and civil disobedience and free love and bra burning was tough to take. I was too young to be a problem but he went round and round with my older sister and brother. Now it is just reminiscences about and retold with each player rewriting their own personal story the way that they remember it. Or choose to remember it.
Selective memories. I know I only choose the happy ones.
Somewhere down the hall from my white room there is a door that I never open.
A door to the room of forgotten memories.
This door has a nice thick seal around it so that none of the pain or sorrow can ooze out and sully the lovely carpets in the hall.
I once read a book called Weaveworld by Clive Barker and it held me spellbound in the story of a world woven into a carpet...
Your world is what you make it.
Mine is a happy place filled with rainbows of pure colors and blue skies and happy golden dogs ready to play!
Cupcakes and balloons and teddy bears...flowers and swing sets and children blowing bubbles....
No sickness, no death.
Take a deep breath.
relax and let the warm feathers settle around you.
comfort & joy
everything will be OK