Ghosts of Christmas' Past or Elves in the Dark

What's this? I can't believe my eyes! Have you caught the Christmas cooties yet? It's almost time for the fever to start! The Season of Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa should be celebrated in Love and the spirit of Giving should come from that place in your heart that glows with contentment when making someone else happy.I feel disconnected from my Family at Christmas- they are all so far away. It only makes me miss them more. The memories are what sustain me. It's difficult when you have lost people that you love, also, close to the Holidays. I lost my Son Mark who was only 8 months old and had Cerebral Palsy, 4 days after Christmas. I lost a lot of my Joy then. My Husband Fred lost his first wife, Belinda, on Christmas Day,  5 years ago.So, do I write about what we have lost or what we have gained? We both understand each other's pain and have gotten through the  Holidays for 3 years together. Now, this will be our 4th Christmas. It is not really necessary to get a tree, the largest symbol of Christmas, because there are no little bright eyed kids to be amazed by presents from the Fat Man! I have lots of ornaments, in storage, waiting, some that I have treasured for 28 years! But, it seems hollow and empty without a tree to me. For Fred, one of the most difficult things was to un-decorate after Belinda died. He equated Christmas with pain and every angel and snowman just re-enforced the pain of losing his best friend and companion of more than 20 years.

It has been 21 years since Mark died, for me. I can deal with it. I think that part of why we are together is because of that- shared pain. Of course, that may just be a huge justification on my part, but we fit each other very well. There is a dark spot in each of us where that pain lives.
I have had mine longer so it has grown brighter and the Joy has seeped back in. My perspective has changed on death as I have grown older and I really can see how you can celebrate someone's life and keep your sadness too. It's complicated and personal and I don't discuss it so that you can feel sorry for me. It usually makes people uncomfortable to discuss it. Especially at Christmas. And here I am weaving it into my Advent Elf post. Not what I had intended. But if I don't tell you then its the same as lying. Should I just ignore the truth about how we "get through" the Holidays? How every Jingle Bells song on every commercial is muted? Ok. Wait. This year is going to be different. He said we could get a tree!!! I am working on an advent elf to get mailed to the grand-boys in TN and THERE WILL BE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

It doesn't mean that all wounds are healed or that we'll pretend like nothing has happened. It will just mean that enough time has passed for the tree not to be a bitter reminder of what he lost.  Belinda will always be remembered with love and he will always cherish her memory and have the memories of all the years they laughed and loved and raised their girls together.

I could do with my tabletop trees and be happy. I have forgotten the messy clean-up of pine needles everywhere.
It always seemed to be worth it- to have the live tree.
The smell of evergreen.
My parents had a beautiful,  but fake tree when I was young and I used to always insist on a real tree after I grew up and started getting my own- after all- it supports the industry.
In NC where I used to live there are many Christmas tree farms and nothing beats driving by and smelling the refreshing smell of pine.
So, now ya know a little bit more about me- about us. The real Calamity Kim.
It took a long time to get my Joy back and I know that Christmas will always be bittersweet, but what I really want is to be with my family. I wish I could be with my Mom and Dad and Son and my Sister and Brother and I really wish I could spend this Christmas with Lexi and the grand babies, while Beau is in Iraq. Bittersweet. See, do you just compromise and be patient until you can spend time with the ones you love again? I guess so. In the meanwhile, I hope that I catch the Christmas Cooties from all my Cyber Sistahs and just allow myself some happiness. Enough forlorn sadness and misery already! I'll put that back in it's box at the back of the closet and open the curtains and turn on all the lights and let the elves sing and dance about while glitter falls like snow in the quiet of the early morning.

This is the elf. The elf in the dark. He is getting new eyes- I took off the buttons I had sewn on- they weren't right. I didn't see the twinkle in them. I have drafted a pattern, but I am not really in love with his face- I might change it. But- Today is the day I draft his overalls with 25 pockets! Or should I make 24? Because the Big day is 25 and you have All the presents to open, right? Another thing that I have been patiently waiting for is about to happen today too-! Waitress comes out on DVD. It's about Pie. Well, and maybe love and life, but mostly Pie. I am getting my shower and hopping in the car and going to get it. I am pretty sure that PIE has superseded cupcakes for me. Next year will be THE YEAR OF THE PIE! With Pushing Daisies as Inspiration- I am working on a series of Art Aprons and Purses involving PIE. Me O My.
There will be lots of Pie recipes and pictures in the next year- I just feel it in my bones! So, tomorrow I will try to have the PDF ready (if Fred can help me) and you can maybe whip up your own Advent Elf- There is still time! I am going to have to get it finished and mailed, really quick! Maybe I can get some magic dust for help with that- or just some pie and caffeine- do the dew as Troy would say! teehee! Gotta git! Thanks for stopping by. A shout out to Grapevine, Texas, where I saw at Sitemeter that someone had visited  from. Recon they make lots of wreaths and baskets there?

Comments

[Junie Moon]

The ghosts of Christmas past do have a way of haunting us and I'm sorry for that. All the holidays and birthdays of those who've left us hurt me, too, but I try to remember the love and joy they would wish for me. I hope the Christmas cooties bite you really well this year. I send my heart and hugs to you via this virtual internet tool.

[Esperanza]

I send good thoughts your way!! I really enjoy reading your blog and looking at your wonderful creations!

[bethany]

Oh Kim.
I hope the tree brings in fresh pine memories along with the fresh pine scent. The pressure to be merry and bright makes any sad spot sadder and for you both to have suffered such huge losses.. well, I can't imagine, but I do hope for some sweet sentimentality for you both.

[Cindy]

Kim, he is FABULOUS! I cannot wait to see him all complete.

Why not acknowledge their lives by placing a special angel on your tree for each of them. We did so for my mom and dad as they passed. It was comforting to us to know that they were there in spirit even though they were no longer there physically.

The first year it was tough to unpack them and place them on the tree. Now they make me smile as I remember them and the laughs and the smiles we shared. I no longer see the ending, but the memories.

Thanks for sharing this with us. It gave me a minute to pause and remember along with you. My parents and your loved ones are in a great place getting ready for a huge birthday bash!

{hug}

[Scarlett]

I have lost several close family members and Christmas is really tearful for me too.

For the first five years after my foster mom died, I could not put up a tree at all.

I am beginning to think, the sorrow never really goes away.

Meanwhile, I can't wait to see the Advent Elf! I am going make one for a pal swap and can't decide how to make one, there are so many good examples out there.

[lauraj]

Today I have awarded you with the Tender Tuesday Award. You've put into words what has been bothering me lately...the ghosts of Christmas past. These ghosts are not people but emotions and feelings I used to have while celebrating the season. You have helped me pinpoint where my sadness has been stemming from. You have also helped point me in a better direction, to close the door on self-pity and go out and find joy! Thank you!

[kimberly sherrod]

(grab the kleenex, y'all and get another piece of pie.) Thank you, for your kindness. Loving kindness. That's what I appreciate about Blogging. I can share things that I would normally not ever tell- for me there is no barrier in this medium- you are there ready to hold my hand and share a sorrow or tell a joke and brighten my day. Thank you little cootie kids.

[kimberly sherrod]

Tender Tuesday- thank you, that too is kind and sweet.

[Natalie]

Kim, I have a ((hug)) for you.
I think when we know pain, it gives us the honor and humility to know genuine joy and to value it.
Mister elf is a handsome and lanky fellow... he looks like he has good thoughts under his hat.

[Thimbleanna]

Oooooh Kim! That elf is going to be Keeeeyyyyy- uuuuttttteeee!!!!! Can't wait to see him finished!

[mathea]

Here's a (((hug))) from me as well. Family holidays always have that bittersweet feeling for me too - there are traditions, but still something will be different every year and we're bound to spend time remembering christmases from the past. For us, Christmas dinner is a lot about sharing happy memories of the ones we have lost. It's a way of keeping them in our minds and hearts and dwelling on who they were, rather than on what we have lost. That, of course, becomes easier with time.
I tend to get carried away with christmas preparations, but when it comes down to it, it is really all about spending time with loved ones, isn't it?
On a cheerier note: I love your elf and can't wait to see his eyes. I always add the eyes last when making dolls and other softies - I can't bear the way they look at me when I stick needles in them when stitching them together ;-)

[Sue in western WA]

I feel fortunate not to have lost someone during the holiday season. It's altogether too easy to imagine the long-lasting pain that could create. At least you and Fred have found each other and have each other to lean on (or feed pie to!). Do as much as makes you happy and treasure your memories.

I love your elf, especially his hat. And his hair! He's going to make some lucky little children very happy!

[Peppypilotgirl]

For me, it's Thanksgiving that's the issue, having lost two beloved grandparents and a baby in November. I believe the pain doesn't ever go away but it does evolve so that the joy is possible amidst the sorrow. My condolences on the loss of your son and to your husband on the loss of his wife. May this holiday season bring some unexpected joy and solace in happy memories of the ones you love, both in the here and now and waiting on the other side.

[Mary]

Thank you for your heartfelt post. I also lost a child, ten years ago. Christmas is "children" and it has been a struggle to regain my footing and live a "new life". Blessings on you and yours.

[Robin~Thrifty Miss Priss]

Thank you for sharing your story. I think we all have some ghosts from Christmas past...I think your husband is so lucky to have found you! Can't wait to see the elf!

[Betty @ She's Sew Pretty]

Sweet Kim, my little boy was named John David and he would have been 21 in March. I only had him one day and it took me years before I could be happy. I lost my dad and my baby within a few years. Just know there are kindred spirits out here who want you to have a wonderful Christmas. Hugs to you!

[Susan]

Christmas Elf...perfect! I feel in love with Maileg Nisse but the price is so off putting. I have been searching for a similar pattern, this will be perfect.. I can't wait. Please don't let me miss it.

[Amy]

I am glad you and your husband have each other to support through the good and sad times too!! I like the vintage Japan made plastic face elves you posted some where in this story. They remeind me of Christmastime at my Grandma K's house when I was little.
Amy